Clunky title aside, I began to peruse the list, skipping the introduction. It didn't take long before, appalled, I turned back to the front page, the question on my lips, "Who wrote this?"
"But my generation is different. We waited to have kids, we chose to have kids, many of us aggressively tried and paid a lot of money to have the kids we so desperately wanted and waited so very long to have (disclosure: When I say we, I mean them. I don’t have any kids)." -Karri Peifer
This disclosure was a neatly tucked blip in the midst of "in my day!" rants and somewhat scattered reporting on what the masses think and feel about this issue. I showed Seth some of the more ridiculous parts of the article which he full-out laughed at, along with other, less humorous, excerpts: the author tells a rather unsettling tale of her mother... "When I was growing up, it was perfectly acceptable to have adults-only nights, and I have vivid memories of my mother shoving me out of her living room Tupperware party by placing her foot directly on my adorable little face – the one that kept creeping around the corner again and again when told to GO AWAY." (Is this for real?)
My purpose of writing isn't to review this article. Sure, there are some good points: "find out if the restaurant is kid-friendly", but then there are some bad points: "don't allow your child to eat the sandwich you packed for them- order something from the menu, blah blah blah" which in no way meshes appropriately with the other point "don't let your kids have a melt down in the restaurant"-- maybe they're hungry and want their sandwich that you're not allowed to give them because it's a restaurant? In the midst of the condescension there are threats: shape up Richmond or we're going to start slapping "No Kid" bans on various restaurants. And don't forget: "...in doing it wrong, they’re spoiling Richmond experiences for childless Richmonders, and the ones with well-behaved children."
My point is: there's a huge push in our culture to Parent the Parent. Sometimes it's subtle and presented in a book with a sleeping baby on the cover, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" (a deceiving title). Sometimes it's more blatant: "These are the RULES, Richmond Parents, and if you break them the consequences are severe! You disappoint everyone and risk ruining a good time for all of your peers."
("Perfect parents are the people who don't have any children." -Unknown)
There are parenting ideologies, and methods, and self help books, and infant psychology books, and Today show specials, and Rachael Ray telling us breastfeeding in public is gross and that our kids are picky eaters because we made them that way. There's the media telling us to keep our kids close at all possible moments and not to go out alone, then there are the "Yes Moms" who let their child do anything under the sun so they can express themselves and experience life to the fullest. There are spankers and nonspankers, time-outers and nontime-outers. There are "baby wise" parents and there are "attachment parents". Nap schedulers and those who are considered "more chill". There are "cry-it-outers" and "baby-wearers", there's "free range parenting" and "helicopter parents". All of these flavors of parenting are quick to tell you you're doing it Wrong (because we all know being Wrong is the worst thing possible). The judgment is severe, it disconnects people from each other. She doesn't do it my way. Her kids are still nursing. I can't buh-lieve that 8 year old still has a binky. She lets her kids go barefoot.
When you follow someone else's way you're going to be insecure.
When I was in the hospital after having Jet, the nurse came in to fill out the breast feeding form.
"How long did he nurse on each side?" she queried.
"Twenty-five minutes on the right and he's nearly done on the left, I think it's been 20 minutes."
"Don't you remember I told you no longer than 20 minutes per side?"
From this brief interaction came a host of questions: Am I doing it wrong? What does it mean if he nurses too long on one side? Will he ever wean? What if he doesn't wean? What if I start regulating this, will he stop entirely?
An hour later my midwife walked in. After ogling and squishing my brand new baby (her job rocks), she asked if I had any questions.
"The nurse said I shouldn't feed him any longer than 20 minutes per side? I didn't realize there were rules about it."
My midwife, a mother of five and the most chilled out, pleasant person I've ever met simply laughed.
"You can just feed the baby when he's hungry. Look at the baby, not the clock."
What a profound thought! I don't have to listen to the Voices of the Experts. I don't have to read the parenting books and follow the Steps to Perfect Parenting. I'm not going to have the Happiest Baby on the Block just because I read and followed that method. All I have to do is listen to my child. What is he saying he needs?
A lot of parenting is questioning in-the-moment. No book will tell you what your child is telling you.
My newborn will not stop crying: what could be wrong? What does he need?
My kids are acting out: what does that mean? What are they telling me? Is he over tired? Is he sick? Does he need more discipline, or have I been too harsh on him? Am I giving him the attention he needs or am I distracted? Am I following through with consequences?
My baby is waking up in the middle of the night: what is he telling me? Does he need to know I'm there for him? Does he need another blanket? Is he thirsty? Did his arm fall asleep while he was laying like that? Maybe he had a bad dream?
My youngest hates other children playing with his toys: what does he need to over come that? Time? Security? Maybe the issue is with my older child and your child snatching things out of his hands?
There's no one answer for any of this. There are no "Do's and Don'ts" for parenting- not real, in the moment, present, active parenting. The best parents I know have never given me a real answer to my questions or problems. They simply list options to try and questions to ask yourself. The most liberating statement you can make as a parent is "I don't know" because once you don't know, you're free to discover.
Leviathan raged all of yesterday. Why? I didn't know. I didn't assume though ("He's just trying to manipulate me"). Nope. Let's look at him. Let's ponder him. Let's consider him. Let's discover him. What's up, Leviathan? What do you need? "Why is this boy crying" isn't going to be answered by googling.
Parenting is a relationship; there is no "parent" without a "child". And what does a relationship take? Love, respect, communication, endurance, patience, open-mindedness, trust, expectations, humor, security, hard work. None of these are learned from a book. They are learned by living.
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